Let Me Be Your Tourniquet [Part II]

[Reiner Dornkirk]

It had been a long day rife with high nerves and other extreme emotions, so Reiner was very weary by the time he got into bed. Still, sleep didn't come promptly. He was trapped in wakefulness by a restless mind that kept taking him to the worst parts of his day, which then cascaded over other mistakes and missed opportunities. He was afraid that something had shifted with Kuno and that their relationship would never recover to its prior closeness. He thought, next, of other more permanent losses... Things unsaid that would never be imparted to his parents, to brothers in arms who hadn't fared as well against the Mist mutants. It may have been an hour, it may have been three, but eventually he calmed himself down. It took conscious thought to will his mind toward tranquility, but eventually he achieved it.

In his own dream, he was breakfasting with Melchior and Brenner Dornkirk. They were both recurring characters in his dreams, though he hadn't seen either since they'd passed. Even his subconscious was aware that this was no longer an aspirational fantasy, but a hopeless one, and so there was a wistful, haunting air to the dream. Brenner had just poured him a snifter of that earthy spirit he seemed to fancy, when an earthquake struck- Or was it the Blitz? He rushed to the window, pushing it open and...

"Mm?" It was his eyes that fluttered open. Groggy and confused, but alarmed he shot up in bed. Being a trained soldier, and given the recent traumas of the Blitz, his reflexes may have been quicker than most as he turned to find the source of the blows that had struck his back, and the sound and motion that had started to stir him from his dream.

"Kuno?" He knitted his brow, coming to the realization of what was going on. He'd seen this sort of thing before in the barracks, though he'd never suffered with it himself. He moved a bit clear of the thrashing, stepping off the bed and raising his voice, "Konrad!" It wasn't working, "Fuck, um..." He'd never had to deal with this personally, and he'd always been so half-awake when it was going on that he couldn't for the life of him recall what one was supposed to do in these situations. Part of him wanted to hold him down to stop him from hurting himself, but the other part of him realized that a person in the midst of a traumatic nightmare probably wouldn't respond well to being constricted.

"Fuck!" He repeated, and settled on a compromise. He carefully crawled back onto the bed, dodging flailing limbs and tried to gently take hold of one of his wrists. "Konrad... Kuno, wake up, please?"

[Rune]

Something had his arm and he still couldn't stand, he still couldn't..!

With a gasp like he hadn't been breathing Kuno woke, jolting into a half sit he looked around him, eyes wide enough to catch the faint moonlight in their whites. For a moment he was still in that other place, that other time, then he blinked, chest still rising and falling in a panicked pant. Slowly he looked down at the hand on his arm and then followed it up to the person it belonged too. Recognition dawned on his face and for a moment hope replaced terror before he, abruptly, leaned forward until his head was pressed against Reiner's shoulder. A breath later his throat make a cracking sound that felt perfectly apt as Kuno broke open and began to cry.

It was messy, utterly helpless, full body weeping, as though he were trying to wring the blood from his heart out his eyes. He clung, hands claw-like in the soft, warm skin and muscle of the other man. With his brain shut off and his emotions chaotic, Kuno did not know how long it lasted but, when it began to spin down enough that he could think the first thing he felt was gratitude and the next was shame.

The filters and walls he used to keep himself safe had not started themselves up again between sleeping and having a break down so instead of pulling away or blaming Reiner in some way he just slowly sat up until he wasn't using his bed mate as a pillar to hold himself up and said,

"...sorry." He hiccoughed, swallowed so his voice wouldn't sound quite so wrecked and then, "Thank you."

A moment passed as he took a deep, shaky breath and sniffled,

"Thank you. I'm sorry. Reiner." The last sounded pleading, but what he was needing was anyone's guess.

[Reiner Dornkirk]

There was a palpable shift as the writhing gave way to a sharp cutoff, followed by the slow breach from nightmare to wakefulness. There was relief for Reiner in Kuno's sudden comparative stillness. Confusion was better, he thought, than abject terror. It was a softer, while traumatic fear was razor sharp like shrapnel tearing into the flesh from all sides dealing a death by a thousand cuts.

When Kuno's eyes found Reiner's face, they would fall upon a concerned, but consoling expression. His big eyes looked smaller beneath his furrowed brow, his lips were pursed by slightly parted as if poised to speak. He relaxed the grip on the lieutenant's arm, and he parted his arms as the other man collapsed against him.

"Hey..." He snaked his arms around Kuno's bare torso. The other man's skin was soft beneath his palms and, looking down at his long, slender back, wracking with sobs, he couldn't help but find the arcing landscape of his body beautiful in the moonlight. There was a grace to his form, not like some of the overly muscular lummoxes who often populated the military. In that moment, as Kuno wept, Reiner decided his roommate was built to have been born in the luxurious four-poster bed of some lofty manor house to privilege and pampering parents. He was just so... graceful, even like this.

"You're all right, Konrad. It's just you and me." He took in a deep breath as he squeezed a bit tighter. "And whoever was fuckin' with you in your dreams? Let 'em try to get past me." He let his hand caress the the pale, moonlit skin of his back a few times. At this point Reiner would notice that Kuno's grip had stretched the fabric of his tank top, but that was his own fault for wearing more to bed tonight, he supposed.

Even when Kuno pulled back a bit, Reiner made sure to keep one hand on his slender shoulder, stroking there with his thumb- a constant, rhythmic reminder that he was there.

"Don't you be sorry. I won't hear it. You've been through shit I have no idea about and that sticks with a fella. I don't want you to ever be ashamed for feeling too much. Not when we're at home in private, all right? Sure, we've gotta bury our shit when we're in the line of duty, or out mingling with the fancy fucks, but in here? This is home, yeah?" He patted Kuno's shoulder, before reluctantly withdrawing his hand and letting his fall to his lap.

"We can just be ourselves and do what we need to do to be able to handle the rest of the shit that happens when we walk out that door." He said, with a nodding gesture to the front of their room.

[Rune]

A soggy laugh came out of the older man as he mind caught up to the comforting words that had been spoken over his tears. They were just the sort of things a fighting man would say, and could hear.

The touch was not withdrawn when Kuno was sitting again and acting like a person instead of a wounded animal, and that helped too. Despite his moment of weakness he was not now to be rejected. The little smile that had came with the laugh stayed as he ducked his head and nodded through the little speech, like a boy being lectured but wanting it because it helped.

"This is home." He confirmed, raising his eyes to meet Reiner's as well as he could in the darkness. "For both of us."

The moment stayed with them, hanging like a new star in the firmament of their friendship.

When the world felt mostly solid again Kuno said,

"I'll get you another shirt." Then he reached to the little table beside the bed, past Reiner so his front was mostly pressed to the other man's legs, to retrieve the still partly full glass of water he'd left there. He drank it down, then set it back and said.

"We should go back to sleep, I don't know about you but I think I'm more tired now..."

Once they were mostly settled back into sleeping positions Kuno scooted close as he did most nights but this time he gently pushed here and tugged there until his head was resting on Reiner's shoulder, his arm slung over his middle.

"S'this alright? Just... just for tonight. I don't want to go back alone."

[Reiner Dornkirk]

Reiner offered a reassuring smile and complementary nod, pleased that Kuno didn't resist his sentimental speech. In another moment, he might have teased the younger man about getting so maudlin, but this wasn't another moment. It was a special, sensitive one and it called for care.

"Attaboy. Now shake it off and let's hug it out." Reiner would insist upon another, pointed embrace even if Kuno was reluctant. It wouldn't linger as had their touch when the other man had been in tears, and it would be more masculine and fraternal- strong, and firm with a proper pat on the back to punctuate the moment before parting. But it felt important to solidify their vague new covenant.

"Fuck the shirt." Reiner chuckled, tugging it up his torso and over his head, to toss it onto the floor in the corner nearest the closet. The private smiled to the lieutenant as he settled back down, and nudged Reiner back toward their more typical sleeping arrangement. He wondered if, perhaps, their tiff and the fact that Reiner had pulled away a bit had contributed to, or even caused the night terror Kuno experienced.

"It's fine, Kuno." Reiner replied, reaching back to pat him on the hip. He bit his lip as he thought to himself, questioning whether he should give voice to this next offer, but after a brief beat, he did.

"If it would help you feel safer, I could even be the big spoon tonight..." He cleared his throat and shrugged his bare shoulders, even though he was horizontal and one of them was pressed against the bed. "...Y'know. If you want. No big deal." He pursed his lips and clenched his eyes shut, mouthing an unvoiced curse. He wasn't even sure why he was embarrassed to have said that, but he was all the same.

[Rune]

Another laugh, a little too deep for how torn up his throat was came when Reiner divested himself of the torn shirt in a fashion that expressed that Kuno was far more important than a ruined garment. The clouds that had boon obscuring the moon moved away and suddenly the younger man's now mostly bare body was awash in light that made him look so pale that, for a moment, Kuno's still half-awake and distressed mind thought he might be a ghost. Some figment of Konrad's imagination that had come to life when his mind had finally broken just a little too much. It had happened to service men before, seeing things, speaking to people only they could hear.

But then he was being hugged, tightly, chest to chest, and the worry fled away with nearly all of its kin. When they parted he felt both a good deal better and not at all emasculated.

It helped give him the courage to arrange them how he needed without calling up any of the demons that lived off his heart. When another position was kindly offered he shook his head a little, knowing it wouldn't be seen but could be felt.

"No, it's... easier, when I can feel you under me, solid. Real. Does that make sense?" He didn't move to look up and see the answer, he wanted to feel it as much as hear it, make the words as real as the touch. He felt the swear word, but wasn't sure what it meant. If it meant that Reiner was also a bit off balance, well, that was good too.

"Do you ever dream." He swallowed, tucked his arm more tightly around the warmth he was allowed to hold on to, "Like that?"

[Reiner Dornkirk]

Reiner slumped a bit. He wasn't sure why, but he was disappointed that he wouldn't have a chance to hold Kuno as he was often held, now that he was at his most vulnerable. But this very much wasn't about him at the moment, so he obliged without compunction.

"Yeah, I get that..." He replied, stretching his spine, albeit careful not to jostle his charge too much. It was nice that Reiner could feel his breath against his skin... a gentle warmth that caused goosebumps to prickle at his chest and shoulder.

"I dream, yeah..." He offered, his voice was now soft and tender- More breath and rasp than phonation. He wasn't sure he was of a mind to fall right back to sleep, so he was sort of happy to keep talking, but he also didn't want to keep Kuno up unduly. He knew that brutal dreams that like sometimes made for less restful sleep, so he might need more than usual to be alert for the morning.

"Not quite like that, I don't think, but I do have a lot of bad ones." He conceded, "Pretty much every night since the Blitz I've had a nightmare, or..." He thought back to the dream from which Kuno's thrashing had awoken him, "...or even the good ones are bad now, y'know?" Kuno would feel the rise and fall of a deep breath beneath his arm,

"Sometimes the good ones are worse, 'cause at least when you wake from the bad ones things are better. But then you dream of... Y'know, your mom or dad and maybe you have a nice moment, and get everything off your chest you always meant to? But then you wake up, and realize you were in your head. They didn't hear you. And you'll never get that closure. Ever." Unconsciously, his body shifted even closer to Kuno, glad of the comfort of being enveloped in arms. Childlike and protected.

"Before you woke me up, I was dreaming of my cousins... The dead ones I never met. D'you... wanna talk about your dreams, or forget 'em?"

[Rune]

It was very likely that, once asleep, the taller man would turn and wrap the shorter around him as was being asked. It felt safe, with Reiner at his back, but, for the moment, the arm wrapped around his back and the chest under his head felt connected and he needed that more than he needed the animal comfort of someone he trusted behind him.

He listened as Reiner spoke his truth into the velvet darkness that descended as the clouds moved to hide the moon once again. The fingers of his long, strong hand ran up and down the skin under them absently, not moving more than an inch up or down, thoughtlessly feeling more than petting, but comfort was intended. An general nod turned into a more emphatic one at the idea that good dreams could now be as dangerous as the nightmares. Too often friendly faces in his dreams were replaced upon waking by newer memories of mutilation or, worse, mutation.

"Yeah." He breathed, letting the harrowing nature of truly understanding out in the word.

When he was asked if he wanted to speak of his own dreams he shook his head 'no' and was then surprised to hear his own voice saying,

"Since the 34th, every night, I see..." He struggled for a moment but he couldn't get the words out so instead, "What happened. The worst was when I wasn't sure if I was even sleeping, but I'd see it anyway, in the dark, alone. It's not every night, anymore and it's been a lot better since you've been here. With you, even when it is bad, it isn't like it was tonight."

He only realized that what he was saying was true as he said it and it made him pull a little close, one ankle scooting to rest on Reiner's.

"I can't talk about it, I don't even know how much of it was real anymore, and how much my mind made up after. We were so exhausted, didn't sleep or even really rest for days. But, you help."

He turned his head so his lips were barely brushing Reiner's throat and said,

"Thank you." So that it felt like he was kissing the words into skin and bone, trying to get them all the way into the deepest parts of the one who held him.

[Reiner Dornkirk]

Reiner sighed through his nose, and used the arm under Kuno to draw him in a bit more tightly when he indicated a negative response to being asked about his dream. Still, he didn't let that tension go lax when the lieutenant began to sort of touch on it, albeit vaguely. It sounded like there was safety in vagueness. He knew sometimes it was easier to keep unwelcome images from flashing into ones mind by not speaking them into the world.

"Yeah..." As much as it felt good to hear that he was helping Kuno, there was also guilt as his previous supposition seemed increasingly likely. "I'm a little afraid that my fuck-up at dinner may have triggered this. I..." He sighed, tipping his head up so his chin was on his chest and he could see some of Kuno's face, even if he was a bit blurred from point-blank proximity.

"I don't mean to sound conceited or like I'm your amazing savior or anything like that, it's just... It seems too coincidental that we should have that fight, and then I can't sleep and you wake thrashing for the first time since we've shared a bed. I'm just... I guess I just want to say I'm really sorry if I made your night worse."

His heart hurt to hear the haunting that afflicted Kuno when he slept. Again, he was reminded that, as hard as things felt for him, he'd missed the worst of the Blitz as far afield as he'd been. He'd dealt with the aftermath... the fallout, but not the full fury of the unexpected outset.

He felt something rousing in him as soft lips uttered gratitude against his flesh. His frame shivered, and he drew his knees up to a bent position, to conceal his reaction, as his body responded in an unbidden, surprising way.

"Y-... you're welcome, Kuno." He replied, concerned and confused.

[Rune]

Being held tight felt right, like something falling into place that existence had owed Kuno since birth and had never paid its dues on.

For once, the older of the two wasn't sure what to say. His pride chalked the fact up to the hour and the dreams. Denying the idea that this was somehow Reiner's fault would have been easy but he wasn't even sure it was correct. The private's behavior had caused the breach between them and it was wholly possible that the emotional turmoil of feeling said breach was what had triggered him.

He made a little considering face where he couldn't be seen and then wiped it away when he suddenly could be seen, a little.

"S'alright." He said, earnestly, " I'm alright. We're together, everything will come out right." The reassurance was only intended to be about their night's sleep, and possibly their relationship, but as he spoke it felt like it was more than that. Even knowing that it was probably a sleepy, trauma induced illusion Kuno indulged the idea that, so long as they were together, both of them would make it through.

Just as the thought was settling from his conscious mind into his unconscious he felt a shudder run through the body in his arms and his ankle pushed off as Reiner raised his legs. Kuno, who had been drifting back closer to sleep in the warm embrace sat up quickly saying,

"Did I hurt you? I'm sorry I didn't mea..." As he began to question the hand that had been wrapped around the other man's trim waist moves up and down him, thoughtlessly searching for what hurt or problem there might be. When it swept down farther than he would have done had he been rested and fully conscious and discovered the source of the problem he stopped speaking.

The tone shift was immediate from concerned to the sort of quiet reassurance Reiner had been offering him since he woke. Removing his hand right away but without yanking it back like he'd been burned or touched something gross he said,

"That's alright too. It happens to everyone. Nothing to be ashamed of. Here," The last word was accompanied by him rolling them both into their most common sleeping position, with Kuno playing big spoon. He threw his arm over as usual but kept it high on Reiner's chest.

"See, not a problem."

Letting his head rest so he was breathing in Reiner's scent from the top of his head instead of nuzzling at his neck as sometimes happened, Kuno's body relaxed into the heaviness of sleep over a few minutes, the steady in and out motion of his chest hopefully acting as a sort of poor-man's lullaby for his friend.