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Summer begins with pity

Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2023 2:35 pm
by Ivar
123 Searing 1

Ivar was just lazing around at his folks' place, catching up with them and stuff. It was just a regular visit, you know. He was sitting on the old couch, his parents babbling about their garden or the latest gossip from the market, something he honestly wasn't paying much attention to. He loved his dad and his step mother but they were a bit much at times.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, breaking through the peaceful humdrum. His mom shuffled her way over to answer it. When she opened it, there was Flora, their eighteen-year-old neighbor, standing on the porch. She had a scared, desperate look on her face and that alone was enough to grab Ivar's full attention.
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Flora, he thought, was pretty. Her hair was the perfect length and her eyes were bright and curious. But today, her pretty eyes seemed clouded with worry. He felt his stomach churn as he saw her, lips trembling, explaining her situation. She looked genuinely distressed. Ivar thought maybe someone had gotten killed or maybe she had gotten robbed. Seeing her like that made him feel really bad for not being so nice to her when they were younger.

“Tell us your story”

She began to talk, her voice shaky, about how her parents were sick, how she couldn't leave them alone to find work, and how the coins were just slipping through her fingers. She didn't need to say it, her plea for help was clear in her trembling voice and the desperate look in her eyes. But would his parents see it the same way?

"We can't help everyone, dear."

His parents, though nice people, didn't seem keen on lending a helping hand. Maybe they had their reasons, but seeing them dismiss Flora, who was clearly in dire need, was kind of frustrating. The way his step mom simply closed the door and started back to the sitting room was enough to boil Ivar's blood a bit.

He couldn't just stand by, he had to do something. With a sharp inhale, he jumped from his seat and, before his folks could question him, he dashed out the door. He called to her before catching up to her.

"Wait up, Flora!"

Flora turned around, surprise evident on her face. She gave him a questioning look. He could see her eyes were a bit watery. It hurt to see her like this. Ivar tried to catch his breath. He should have just teleported.

"I heard everything, and I think maybe I can help you."

She laughed.

"Oh really? How's that? Are you finally employed? Last I heard you were in school."

"It can’t be too hard to believe that a mage such as myself can earn some coin. It's not much, but I think it might help."

In the dim light of the evening, Flora looked at Ivar, her eyes wide and unsure. There was a spark of hope in them, but it was guarded, cautious, like she wasn't ready to let herself believe in it. Her gaze scanned him, disbelief clear on her face.

"I do make money, Flora. I mean, not a lot, but maybe it could help you and your folks out. At least for now."

Ivar smiled, reaching into his pocket to pull out some of the coins he'd earned. It wasn't a lot, but it was something.

Flora's gaze fell on the coins and her lips parted slightly. She looked like she wanted to say something, but no words came out. After a moment, she seemed to swallow her pride, reaching out and accepting the coins from Ivar. When she did speak she whispered, barely audibly.

"Thank you.”

Ivar watched as Flora turned to leave, a soft sigh escaping his lips. He hadn't really expected a date out of this, but a small part of him had hoped.

"Flora, wait. This might be a long shot, but would you...I mean, would you like to...you know, hang out some time?"

Her eyes widened for a moment before they turned to a softer gaze, one that held a mix of surprise, amusement, and a hint of sympathy. She responded, her voice gentle.

"You're nice. And your help...it means more than you know. But I can't. Not right now. I need to focus on my family. Understand?"

He swallowed hard, nodding his head. It stung, but he knew she had a point. He sighed and nodded. With that, Flora walked away, leaving Ivar standing alone and feeling like an idiot. It had been a weird day, for sure, but he hoped he'd made at least a tiny difference in Flora's life. He couldn't help the small smile that tugged at his lips as he turned to head home.

Ivar made his way back to his parent’s home. His mind was buzzing with thoughts of Flora. She was a tough one, he decided. Like, a really, really tough one. But there was a grace to her toughness that Ivar couldn't help but admire.

He reached his front door, taking a moment to glance back at the path he'd just traversed. He could still picture Flora's figure walking away, her determined stride etching itself into his mind. He shook his head, pushing the door open and stepping inside. His parents were still in the living room, their voices filling the quiet house.

"Back so soon?"

His step mom questioned him, raising an eyebrow. Ivar nodded, choosing not to mention Flora. His mom didn't need to know every detail of his life, right? In the other room, he plopped onto the guest bed, staring at the ceiling. Flora's words echoed in his mind, her refusal soft yet firm. He sighed, closing his eyes. Maybe he couldn't get a date out of today's events, but he'd helped someone? And that counted for something.

“Wait a sec, what if she just swindled me out of that money? Who’s to say her parents even are sick?”

He groaned and went to fetch a bowl of water. He wanted to use a technique he’d learned to check up on her. If she was telling the truth then he could spy on her in her home using traverison. He couldn’t remember the technique name but his teacher had explained it many times and he’d even passed the test on it. It was a way to spy on distant locations through a portal in water. He had honestly thought it was the lamest thing ever, like, who even needs this stuff, right? But here he was, about to give it a go.

He knew Flora's house. He had been there many times as a kid since her dad used to work for his dad. He closed his eyes, focusing on that memory, the layout of Flora's house, the smell of food, the color of their living room walls. His hands hovered over the bowl, casting the spell. The water's surface shimmered, then morphed into a blurry image of Flora's house.

"Damn thing, work."

Ivar swore under his breath while he tried again and again to get the image to become clearer. It took a while to refresh his memories on how to do the spell but he got it working. Ivar's fingers tingled as he watched Flora, her movements slow and careful as she tended to her parents. There was something incredibly brave about what she was doing, and Ivar felt like an idiot for doubting her.

He continued to watch, he decided she was telling the truth. He stopped watching. He wished he could have watched her all day and night, maybe get to see what she was like when she was all alone and vulnerable. It was a sick thought but he was a man with urges.

Ivar watched Flora for hours, on and off of course because he couldn’t possibly maintain the ability for that long. He was lost in this weird magic of his. He saw her taking care of her folks, cooking food, changing their bedsheets. Each time she sighed, he felt a weird pinch in his chest. Like, she was really stuck in this mess, wasn’t she?

He kept watching as it got dark and Flora finally fell asleep. He could see her face, all tired and sad. And weird as it sounds, he wished he could watch more. Like, what was Flora like when she was all alone? What secrets did she keep hidden? What dreams danced behind those closed eyes?

Yeah, he knew it was wrong. Super wrong. But he couldn't help it. He was just a boy and Flora was, well, pretty hot. His curiosity was on fire and he wanted to know her more. Maybe even understand her life a bit.

Suddenly, Ivar jerked his hands away from the bowl. The image of Flora vanished, and all he could see was his own reflection in the water. He leaned back, massaging his forehead. What was he doing? This was all so messed up.

Spying on her had exhausted him mentally. It was too easy to get caught up in what he was spying on. He would need to enlist the help of a dragon shard if he wanted to use magic for that long. He wondered if he could even afford such a purchase.

Re: Summer begins with pity

Posted: Tue Jun 27, 2023 6:04 pm
by Memento
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Word Count: 1548

Lores: 6

Experience: 8xp, solo, can be used for magic

Loot: -3 gold coins

Final Thoughts: Ooooof. When you say Ivar was being a little bit of a creep, you weren't kidding. Asking for a date seconds after giving money to a girl in need is... uh... sketchy. Then to go home and spy on her, in her own home? No me gusta, especially this part, "...maybe get to see what she was like when she was all alone and vulnerable. It was a sick thought but he was a man with urges".

Yikes.

"His curiosity was on fire and he wanted to know her more."

CuRiOsItY

Yeah, uh-huh. Suuuuure. We can call it that.

Now, I've heard that any writing which stirs a reaction, even if an unpleasant one, is on the right track, and I agree to that sentiment. Literature is supposed to set the reader on an emotional journey and grant new perspectives (even pervy ones, from time to time.). It's always interesting to see writers explore these sorts of themes. I commend you for doing so. It did feel like he was very conflicted with his actions, going back and forth on his state of mind. I'm curious to see if which path or morality he's more prone to take as time marches on.

My critique for this thread for area of improvement is to be direct. Cut out some filler words, and caution on really modern takes, such as the narrative voice calling something "lame", and using "like". Example: He had honestly thought it was the lamest thing ever, like, who even needs this stuff, right?

It's not a bad narrative voice, but it reads very young. Ivar may only be twenty, but the word usage reads more as a modern high school narrative voice than medieval/industrial fantasy.

More examples of what I mean:

Ivar was just lazing around at his folks' place, catching up with them and stuff. It was just a regular visit, you know.


...Ivar thought maybe someone had gotten killed or maybe she had gotten robbed.

and

Maybe They had their reasons, but seeing them dismiss Flora, who was clearly in dire need, was kind of frustrating.

I think you get the idea.

I know I can be a bit heavy handed on critique, but I've been enjoying these threads. Keep up the hard work.

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