Of All the Thoughts of Mortal Men
Posted: Wed Nov 08, 2023 4:27 am
Afternoon, Late Searing 123
Sometimes it was quiet. It didn't happen often, not nearly often enough, for Stefan Dornkirk, but once in a while, it was. An afternoon that drew on long and golden despite the unseasonable weather, that made him think about how summers had used to be. Even the last summer, the one that had changed everything had been golden and bright before...
In those quiet moments, sometimes, the man who was sometimes called Minister and other times Husband by more people than he had ever imagined might, thought about how things could have gone, if the storm had never come. If the sky had not torn open, and the earth below it. If the spires that held up civilization as he'd known it had remained intact, those both literal and liberal; governmental and familial, had stood, as he'd been sure they always, always would, what might have been?
He would not have remained Minister long, not in the world that his mind now supposed. Though, when he was honest with himself, he knew that, while the man he was now would have stood up for himself long enough to step down, the man he had been on the thirty-third day of Searing, in the one hundred and twenty-second year of the age of Steel, would not have. But, as it was his fantasy, and he was who he was now, he could make of it what he wished.
So, once there was someone else suitable for the job he would have done what was right for everyone, Zaichaer included, and stepped down, for a time. He'd always known his parents intended him for a government position, and hadn't balked at it, but he was a young man still, and only just married, there would be time to become before he needed to shoulder such responsibility. Stefan had always taken his time to grow into the roles set for him, and when he had not been allowed to do so, as with his military career, his duration within them had been short and not of particular merit. He even knew what would have triggered his brave step away from fully public life for many years yet to come. It would have been his daughter.
She would have stayed nestled inside her mother for days, perhaps even weeks longer without the shock of terrible magic ripping apart a world that hadn't even been allowed to greet her yet. And when she had decided for herself when she wished to be born she would have come more gently, without the tangled congestion that had nearly torn her mother apart with the sky. Because of this, because of all of it, the first time Stefan had looked down at his beautiful daughter he wouldn't have felt the staggering immensity of having lost, or nearly lost, every person he'd ever loved in a single day. Instead, he would have felt the same pride he had felt when Delia had accepted his proposal, when she had married him, when Eitan had first called him brother, swell into something bigger, something big enough to fill him entirely. The knowledge of his right and responsibility to make his own choices, the ones that would be right for his family, a family that included him inside it because they wanted him would have empowered him to tell all the people who wanted him in a role he didn't want, that he wouldn't have it.
They would have been angry at first, likely his parents would have considered not speaking to him. Brenner would have been confused, disappointed, and it would likely have widened the rift between them that had started when he'd gotten married. An intensification of the betrayal that he had known his brother was feeling but hadn't been able to understand, still, couldn't understand. But there would have been time. He would have taken back fully his job at the Windworks, because he was too good at it for his father to take it away and lose the prestige and income he brought. Working together would have led to his father thawing, and none of the three of them, mother, father or brother, would have been willing to forgo seeing the new heir to the dynasty even if she was a girl. There would have been more children after, boys and girls both, he imagined, and they would have thawed the cold shoulders and tamped down the accusatory looks until, one day, they would have been gone.
Brenner would have gotten married, maybe to Jane Farraway, whom Stefan had always liked. She would have balanced him in the same way Delia balanced Stefan; each with their own set of skills filling the gaps in the other. Though, Stefan often failed to see any gaps in Delia that needed filling by him. (There was one that he could think of, but this wasn't that sort of fantasy.) Eitan and Luca would be no different; he doubted they would have named their firstborn any differently however much changed. Thus there would have been three families of cousins to be playmates and grow up together. Birthdays and other family gatherings would have been massive, noisy affairs that would have tried Stefan's patience and his nerves but, over time, he would have become used to them and, in the safety and affection of that new, larger family, he would have learned that his guard need not always be up so very high.
Over the passing years he would have grown even more into himself, until the idea of stepping up into a role similar to, though never quite so lofty as, that which Brenner had rightfully achieved, wouldn't have seemed so awful. This idea would have stayed in the back of his mind as the children became teenagers. Amalia would have caught the eyes of every young man in their social circle long before he would have allowed any of them anywhere near her, but, eventually, she would have chosen for herself, and neither he nor anyone else would have had any real say in the matter from that moment onward. The wedding would have dwarfed even his own, but it would have brought back fond memories for all of them, and it would have let Stefan know that he had done his duty in that stage of his life, even if there were children still at home to who would need to finish becoming the men and women Zaichaer needed.
Some weeks after he gave his eldest in marriage he would have spoken to Delia, Eitan, and Brenner, explaining that whoever he had been training to eventually take his place at the Windworks (a son, or a promising employee) was ready to take on more of the responsibility, as he had taken it from his father, a little at a time. They would have listened and known that there was more he needed to say. He would have gone on to explain that while he had been too young, not ready, when first he'd been given political office, now he was ready. Now he wouldn't be distracted from his duty by the duty he owed to a young family. They would have understood and supported him.
He would have campaigned if he had needed to, and been supported by the families of his employees as well, or he would have been granted an office by Brenner, who would, by that point no doubt, have been the Grand Marshall with every appointment in his gift. Even so, Stefan would have wanted to start somewhere he could learn the job and work his way up. There might have been an argument over this for, however much it had felt like Brenner weighed and measured him at times, his brother had believed Stefan capable of anything and any disappointment had stemmed solely from those moments in which Stefan had shown that belief to be false. Either way, he would have stepped into full public life at a time of his choosing, with the full backing of his family, and it wouldn't be like it had been the first time. He might have been overwhelmed at first but he would have learned on the job until it came to him as easily as managing the Windworks had. Government, after all, was just another type of mechanism with moving parts that needed to be oiled or repaired as they aged. Innovation would have flourished under the brothers Dornkirk (even if one of the three bore the name Angevin). The nation, the world, would have learned to view them in awe and admiration, and sometimes, in fear.
As the afternoon drew on toward evening Stefan's mind wandered through these things. It wasn't just once. No, it had taken a long time to reconstruct for himself the life that had once been a certainty and now lived only in memory and fancy. In the moments when he indulged in it, it was never all at once, but rather, it was lived in small moments. Skipping around through time his mind would give him the birth of a child, then one of a grandchild, moments of invention, of celebration, even of loss. Only never so great a loss as the real one.
The world he created could not fill the hole left by the one that had been taken, but it moved into the space that had been carved out of him and sat inside it so that, when he looked into it, there was something other than empty.
Sometimes it was quiet. It didn't happen often, not nearly often enough, for Stefan Dornkirk, but once in a while, it was. An afternoon that drew on long and golden despite the unseasonable weather, that made him think about how summers had used to be. Even the last summer, the one that had changed everything had been golden and bright before...
In those quiet moments, sometimes, the man who was sometimes called Minister and other times Husband by more people than he had ever imagined might, thought about how things could have gone, if the storm had never come. If the sky had not torn open, and the earth below it. If the spires that held up civilization as he'd known it had remained intact, those both literal and liberal; governmental and familial, had stood, as he'd been sure they always, always would, what might have been?
He would not have remained Minister long, not in the world that his mind now supposed. Though, when he was honest with himself, he knew that, while the man he was now would have stood up for himself long enough to step down, the man he had been on the thirty-third day of Searing, in the one hundred and twenty-second year of the age of Steel, would not have. But, as it was his fantasy, and he was who he was now, he could make of it what he wished.
So, once there was someone else suitable for the job he would have done what was right for everyone, Zaichaer included, and stepped down, for a time. He'd always known his parents intended him for a government position, and hadn't balked at it, but he was a young man still, and only just married, there would be time to become before he needed to shoulder such responsibility. Stefan had always taken his time to grow into the roles set for him, and when he had not been allowed to do so, as with his military career, his duration within them had been short and not of particular merit. He even knew what would have triggered his brave step away from fully public life for many years yet to come. It would have been his daughter.
She would have stayed nestled inside her mother for days, perhaps even weeks longer without the shock of terrible magic ripping apart a world that hadn't even been allowed to greet her yet. And when she had decided for herself when she wished to be born she would have come more gently, without the tangled congestion that had nearly torn her mother apart with the sky. Because of this, because of all of it, the first time Stefan had looked down at his beautiful daughter he wouldn't have felt the staggering immensity of having lost, or nearly lost, every person he'd ever loved in a single day. Instead, he would have felt the same pride he had felt when Delia had accepted his proposal, when she had married him, when Eitan had first called him brother, swell into something bigger, something big enough to fill him entirely. The knowledge of his right and responsibility to make his own choices, the ones that would be right for his family, a family that included him inside it because they wanted him would have empowered him to tell all the people who wanted him in a role he didn't want, that he wouldn't have it.
They would have been angry at first, likely his parents would have considered not speaking to him. Brenner would have been confused, disappointed, and it would likely have widened the rift between them that had started when he'd gotten married. An intensification of the betrayal that he had known his brother was feeling but hadn't been able to understand, still, couldn't understand. But there would have been time. He would have taken back fully his job at the Windworks, because he was too good at it for his father to take it away and lose the prestige and income he brought. Working together would have led to his father thawing, and none of the three of them, mother, father or brother, would have been willing to forgo seeing the new heir to the dynasty even if she was a girl. There would have been more children after, boys and girls both, he imagined, and they would have thawed the cold shoulders and tamped down the accusatory looks until, one day, they would have been gone.
Brenner would have gotten married, maybe to Jane Farraway, whom Stefan had always liked. She would have balanced him in the same way Delia balanced Stefan; each with their own set of skills filling the gaps in the other. Though, Stefan often failed to see any gaps in Delia that needed filling by him. (There was one that he could think of, but this wasn't that sort of fantasy.) Eitan and Luca would be no different; he doubted they would have named their firstborn any differently however much changed. Thus there would have been three families of cousins to be playmates and grow up together. Birthdays and other family gatherings would have been massive, noisy affairs that would have tried Stefan's patience and his nerves but, over time, he would have become used to them and, in the safety and affection of that new, larger family, he would have learned that his guard need not always be up so very high.
Over the passing years he would have grown even more into himself, until the idea of stepping up into a role similar to, though never quite so lofty as, that which Brenner had rightfully achieved, wouldn't have seemed so awful. This idea would have stayed in the back of his mind as the children became teenagers. Amalia would have caught the eyes of every young man in their social circle long before he would have allowed any of them anywhere near her, but, eventually, she would have chosen for herself, and neither he nor anyone else would have had any real say in the matter from that moment onward. The wedding would have dwarfed even his own, but it would have brought back fond memories for all of them, and it would have let Stefan know that he had done his duty in that stage of his life, even if there were children still at home to who would need to finish becoming the men and women Zaichaer needed.
Some weeks after he gave his eldest in marriage he would have spoken to Delia, Eitan, and Brenner, explaining that whoever he had been training to eventually take his place at the Windworks (a son, or a promising employee) was ready to take on more of the responsibility, as he had taken it from his father, a little at a time. They would have listened and known that there was more he needed to say. He would have gone on to explain that while he had been too young, not ready, when first he'd been given political office, now he was ready. Now he wouldn't be distracted from his duty by the duty he owed to a young family. They would have understood and supported him.
He would have campaigned if he had needed to, and been supported by the families of his employees as well, or he would have been granted an office by Brenner, who would, by that point no doubt, have been the Grand Marshall with every appointment in his gift. Even so, Stefan would have wanted to start somewhere he could learn the job and work his way up. There might have been an argument over this for, however much it had felt like Brenner weighed and measured him at times, his brother had believed Stefan capable of anything and any disappointment had stemmed solely from those moments in which Stefan had shown that belief to be false. Either way, he would have stepped into full public life at a time of his choosing, with the full backing of his family, and it wouldn't be like it had been the first time. He might have been overwhelmed at first but he would have learned on the job until it came to him as easily as managing the Windworks had. Government, after all, was just another type of mechanism with moving parts that needed to be oiled or repaired as they aged. Innovation would have flourished under the brothers Dornkirk (even if one of the three bore the name Angevin). The nation, the world, would have learned to view them in awe and admiration, and sometimes, in fear.
As the afternoon drew on toward evening Stefan's mind wandered through these things. It wasn't just once. No, it had taken a long time to reconstruct for himself the life that had once been a certainty and now lived only in memory and fancy. In the moments when he indulged in it, it was never all at once, but rather, it was lived in small moments. Skipping around through time his mind would give him the birth of a child, then one of a grandchild, moments of invention, of celebration, even of loss. Only never so great a loss as the real one.
The world he created could not fill the hole left by the one that had been taken, but it moved into the space that had been carved out of him and sat inside it so that, when he looked into it, there was something other than empty.