Deeper with Every Turn

[Arvælyn]

Arry shook his head and frowned,

"No..." He shook his head profusely, "I think I may be communicating poorly." He sucked in air through his teeth and smacked his palms against his knees, a few times to expend a bit of his nervous energy, to little avail.

"I believe that he likes me. I do." Arry clarified. "And from what I gathered in the chat when I asked him out, there's always been an attraction on his end just as there was on mine. He even made a point of telling me that he'd 'ave said yes, even if I were still working in the back rooms, so... I probably could 'ave made my move earlier, all things considered..." He hadn't of course, because he still had more than half a dozen of his eggs very much in Aurin's basket, but he'd omit that from his present telling.

"I feel like I'm acing the beginning of our relationship, honestly. I'm pretty confident that 'is interest is genuine, but... I want to maintain it, you ken?" He smiled lopsidedly, and then glanced down.

"I mean..." He sighed heavily, and shut his eyes keeping them squeezed tightly shut as he continued. "I guess I want a post mortem. Like I said- You know me better than anyone. I've been passing honest and very much myself with you, botched pickpocketing job notwithstanding, so... I guess I'd just like to know when I fucked shite up with you so I don't do the same thing with him." He opened his eyes and directed uncertain eyes at Aurin. Even in this instance he was being honest and himself and if there was any deception in play it was inwardly directed.

[Aurin]

"A post mortem," he said, frowning. His charm wasn't truly a veneer, though he certainly amplified that part of himself when working the Cabaret. But even when his face represented what he felt as it did now, it rarely gave enough to satisfy Arry. For all the foxfire fast facial expressions, there was a stillness there too, more difficult to see, and those still waters ran proverbially deep.

"Is this a prelude to goodbye...?" His face looked almost ashen, just for a moment, then he kept talking before Arry could respond to that.

"I think we challenge each other as much as we help each other," he began, "and sometimes the challenge makes us rise and be better and sometimes the challenge just causes an argument or we fuck about it because we don't know how to fix things with words but we want to connect somehow and assure each other and ourselves that whatever we have is real and still present even when we're at each other's throats.

"I don't know if he's anything like me, but I think you are like me in some ways. So if you want my advice, I suppose... slow down. When you want to say something witty and unanswerable, pause and consider whether it's more important to win or it's more important to grow together. When something seems off, ask questions and be patient instead of running with your fears and assumptions to a logical but damaging conclusion." It occurred to him that Arry might think he was talking about Arry's behavior, and he was, but more so it was his own. This was where they were too much alike, seeing things as a competition or a zero-sum game because that was what life had taught them it was.

Aurin understood that Arry saw Torin as a threat or a replacement, but he didn't know how to assure him this wasn't the case, nor to articulate more clearly how his friends fit into his world. But if this was the end, at least he could remember fondly their closeness and be glad that if he sometimes hurt Arry, at least he had helped him get out of a bad situation in Antiris and into a career that he loved and a man whose blood wasn't pumped by a broken engine.

Or perhaps he was banking on Arry taking his words the wrong way, lighting the bridge on fire so he would follow his minstrel to greener pastures and not look back. He had killed, and plenty of people had died because of him. If Arry broke that cycle, then it could be a small win for Aurin as well.

[Arvælyn]

Arry parted his lips, barely getting a catch breath to reply to Aurin's heartbreakingly vulnerable question, before the human launched into his response. He pursed his lips and melted from the edge of the bed onto the floor, where he crawled closer to Aurin. He didn't touch him reassuringly, though part of him was inclined to attempt it, another part bade him against the gesture. Instead he sat with his legs crisscrossed, facing Aurin and listening deeply to his advice.

He nodded along and, indeed as Aurin suspected, believed it was his own behaviour being described and critiqued, rather than Aurin's. It was his own behaviour that he would need to check with Finn, after all. Aurin's role in that relationship was by proxy through Arry, after all, so the best he could do was attempt to manage his own. The advice seemed sound enough and he was open enough at the moment not to be offended in the least. He did do all those things. His ears perked a bit at the mention of making pessimistic presumptions off the cuff, and he wondered whether that was a reference to his response to Torin, but if that was bait he elected to turn his nose up at it.

When Aurin was through, Arry parted his lips again to make the reply he'd intended to earlier.

"No." He said, matter-of-factly. "This is not a prelude to goodbye. We just made arrangements for our new business venture. I'm not so fickle as to abandon those prospects overnight because of one promising date, I just..." His eyes darted to the floor between them. "I think our relationship needs to evolve into summat different than it's been. I need to stop-..." He halted his speech and a hand shot up, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose as he felt his eyes welling up. He took a steadying breath, and continued:

"I need to stop thinking of you the way I had been. Romantically." His face flushed, embarrassed at his own bluntness. "I know you don't, or you can't see me that way and I don't think I can cast off those feelings while we still have a sexual relationship. That's why I've been a stranger to your bed, lately. I was trying to see if I could temper my feelings and... Well, to be honest I guess part of me was testing you, too. To see if you'd fight for me." He lifted his eyes sharply, "I'm not... I'm not offended that you didn't, mind. You've always been very upfront with me about these things, it's just... My 'eart was playing catch up to my brain." He forced a smile,

"I feel like I've grown so much since I've been in Kalzasi, but when you and I are alone I just... revert to being this reckless, pining adolescent. I need to tend my own garden a bit, as it were."

[Aurin]

A hidden tension went through him when Arry came near. A part of him wanted to reach out to touch, to kiss, to fuck until things were all right again, but he knew that wasn't what was best for Arry. He was able to maintain eye contact through the elf's riposte, and while it was everything he wanted for his ward, it still felt like a hot knife in the guts. His eyes were burning, but those wells had dried up long ago. And his body responded to Arry's nearness because of course it did.

Carefully, he sat up, turning and cross-legged with nary an inch of air between their knees. He took Arry's hands in his.

"I don't regret anything," he said. "Not in Antiris. Not here. I know I could've handled things better, but you're here and you're moving on to bigger and better things. As long as I'm breathing, I need you to understand that you have someone who will fight for you — not the way you had hoped, perhaps, but for your success and your happiness the best that I know how." If the Gods listened, they might hear him occasionally praying on Arry's account rather than his own, that some good might come of all this. He wanted Arry to have his fairy tale romance, his high-flying and adored lifestyle among the elite, and whatever it would take to make him believe that Arvine Venasyr was easily as fantastic as any Arvalyn Val'Cithaeron.

"You've certainly grown and I'm proud for my small part in that. You're still frustrating as anything, but I know that's because you hold up a mirror to me, at least in part..." There was more he wanted to say, but he didn't know how or couldn't be truthful with himself. There was an ache that might have been a wish that everything he had done had been showing what he couldn't tell, but he managed a trademarked smirk and gave Arry's hands a squeeze. It would only confuse things, make him hesitant to go forward with his new beau. And he was rather certain Arry misunderstood his relationship, such as it was, with Torin, but he didn't know how to articulate that to him or whether it would make a difference.

"Tend to your garden," he said, releasing Arry's hands. "You know I'll be here."

[Arvælyn]

The touch yielded goosepimples that ran up Arry's forearms, as golden eyes locked with hazel.

"Ah..." It sounded as much a sigh as an acknowledgement. In truth he was realising that even in this conversation, which was ostensibly a thoughtful positive move on his part, he was still testing Aurin. A last ditch effort, a final challenge to afford the man a chance to correct what Arry'd long hoped were misconceptions.

"I know that you care about me, in your way." He said with a downward glance. "That sounds like I'm diminishing your care, but I'm not. I think I just wrapped so much up in you. For a long time you were everything to me. Literally everything. You were food, shelter, lover, saviour... My only friend in the world and my sole provider." His eyes darted back up to meet Aurin's.

"That isn't fair to you, nor 'ealthy for me. I hope you'll find relief in this... I was always the one initiating sex anyway, so I don't even know if you fancied me by the end." He cracked a winsome smile, "Don't tell me if you didn't. You've spent time amongst enough courtesans to fake it out of kindness, haven't you?" He paused.

"At any rate, Aurin, don't... don't diminish what you've done for me. You're not nor shall you ever be a 'small part' of my journey. All those roles I assigned you? They were true. And you still wear some of those hats, even if I'm better equipped to buy my own lunch on occasion. At least now I'll be providing some service in exchange for the boons you provide. Well, other than..." He trailed off. Aurin had expressed concern in the past over whether Arry's sexual favours were intended to be transactional. When he'd had nothing else to give, Aurin had been his provider and he'd been eager to offer something to express his gratitude. But it wasn't as though he hadn't relished every instance.

"Well." He patted Aurin's hands before withdrawing his own, "I'm glad you took that well." He wrinkled his nose, "I mean... I wish you'd taken it a wee bit worse, but that's just vainglory, I suppose."

[Aurin]

"I didn't initiate because even now there's this power differential..." It was difficult to speak around the knot in his throat. "I always wanted it to be your choice, not you rolling over because I'm just another man who wants to use you. It was meaningful to me. Every time since the first. I'm sorry I didn't make that obvious to you."

The early fumblings had been something he treasured. As Arry's skill had increased, it had been good in new ways. Perhaps they had just learned how to please each other and themselves with greater intimacy. Arry's minstrel was in for a treat, he thought, though he did feel pangs of jealousy. He had a mercenary heart. It flared for Arry on occasion, and smoldered at other times, but never went out. It just never thought to be jealous until someone might be taken away. Perhaps there was something wrong with that. He would be quick to assure people that there was plenty wrong with him.

"Don't worry," he said with a defensive smirk. "I'll wait until you're gone to fall apart."

He was glad he had this little place to himself, that he could lock the door behind Arry when he left. There was nothing he could break, though. Everything he had was a necessary item and nothing more. Arry had commented on that when he first arrived in Kalzasi, weary and hungry to the point of passing out upon his doorstep. It was comical in retrospect, though it had been alarming in the moment.

Leaving the door open had actually helped pick up a bit of a cross-breeze, but the air felt more oppressive now than it had before, at least to Aurin. He had thrown open all points of egress for Arry and tried not to feel the vulnerability of it.

[Arvælyn]

"I can honestly say that was never the case." Arry assured him, "I think, for me, you may have pushed too far in the other direction." It made sense that Aurin might have been overly cautious about taking advantage of him. He'd emphasised many times when they first met that Arry was very young. Aurin had treated him like a child often enough since, but perhaps he earned those instances.

"It was fine early on, but once we got into the rhythm of our relationship it just made me feel undesirable, or... Like I was a pity fuck- Just another of the many kindnesses you afforded me over the years." He grimaced and looked at Aurin's hand, wishing he hadn't been so quick to pull his own away.

Ought Arry to have broached this conversation sooner? In all their tiffs and blow-ups, they'd never really spoken like this. Arry wouldn't have known how, without having something else lined up in case it all went to shite. Ever since Torin had shown up, Arry had felt like he'd been inadvertently pushing Aurin towards his fellow human, after all. He couldn't fathom the notion of being all alone, and reaping the results of all this time insulating himself from the rest of Kalzasi- thinking of it as Aurin and he against the world. Not when Aurin would have the comforts of Arry's replacement to fall back on.

"But then again, perhaps you're just obliging my request and sugar-coating the truth of it to spare my feelings... So I won't press." He uncrossed his legs and got up onto his knees, spine straight and hands resting on his thighs.

"Don't say things like that, now." He chastised with a twitch to one cheek and eyes that threatened to rain. "I'm just an old routine." Arvalyn's dialect was slipping back into Arry's mouth, "You've novel pleasures to enjoy and we'll still partake in many of those together." He contrived to smile,

"And maybe if I'm strong enough to commit to this path, I'll even learn to tolerate the tall tinkerer."

[Aurin]

To Aurin's mind, Arry and undesirable ought not to exist in the same sentence, but of course he was biased. And it was much more difficult for a man to fake an orgasm than a woman. Pity fuck, indeed. As if Aurin did things he didn't want to do. A part of him continued to urge that he initiate something now, but despite their frank conversation now, it seemed an unwise course of action, as though he were trying to taint what Arry was building with his musical partner.

And he would not have minded Arry dating the man, but his ward seemed to need exclusivity, perhaps because of the time he had spent doing sex work. Certainly, he had already intimated that he wasn't sure the man would agree to go out with him until he had quit the oldest profession, but here they were.

Aurin tried to smile. He rather failed, but at least it wasn't his native smirk. There were things to say, questions to answer, but he just smiled glumly through it until the end.

"I would like that," he said simply. "And you needn't hide your friend away. I've no ill will toward either of you." In any case, the both of them could probably use the work at the Velvet Cabaret until things shook out with the Golden Peacock — if they shook out with the Golden Peacock. He would certainly redouble his efforts to provide opportunities for Arry to get his foot in the door and prove himself worthy of the career he desired. He was worthy already in Aurin's mind, but there were other, more knowledgeable gatekeepers to the hallowed boards next door.

He kept smiling, though his face felt numb as a mask. Hopefully, Arry wouldn't draw this out. He had never and would never kick him out, but for all his calm demeanor, he was spiraling out within.

[Arvælyn]

"I'm not hiding him away." Arry protested, "It's just that anytime I've brought him round the cabaret, you just happen to be somewhere else every single time." Though, to be honest, he hadn't invited him by often for fear of these particular worlds colliding as he navigated whose gravity would be the greater pull on his heart. But neither had he attempted to be furtive with Finn on the few occasions he'd brought him. To the contrary, he'd sort of shown him off and fended away the claws of other courtesans that might wish to clutch at his quarry.

"All right." Arry said, adopting a wan, forlorn smile as he walked himself forward on his hands until they rested on Aurin's knees so he could kiss his saviour on his cherished forehead. He shut his eyes and lingered there, taking in his scent and the warmth of his skin. Was he marking the end of this chapter in their relationship, or was even this a challenge intended to tempt Aurin into making a move? Even Arry didn't know the answer to that.

He placed both hands on Aurin's shoulders and locked his golden eyes on hazel once more.

"This isn't goodbye." He reasserted. "I'm still your friend, protégé, supplicant and aught else. I'll... I'll probably see you later today, I just, um... gods, this is awkward. I'll just..." He used the purchase of Aurin's shoulders to push himself to his feet.

"I'm just going to pop to over to the market and do some shopping, but I'll be round later if there's anything else you want to talk through. I know I've unloaded a lot, and um..." He chuckled darkly, realising he couldn't really fathom Aurin taking him up on that offer.

"Who am I kidding? I'll see you when you want to be seen."

[Aurin]

"No rest for the wicked," he said with a wicked grin. He figured he would see Arry with his newfound beau sooner rather than later and he would certainly make all attempts to keep things from getting awkward. It was the least he could do for his ward. Even if Arry made some ridiculous proclamation releasing him from any responsibility to him, he would still keep an eye on things, waiting for an opportunity to help. But of course he wouldn't say anything. Arry had to know how he felt. Somehow. Deep down.

Aurin closed his eyes so more of his senses could focus on the soft touch to his forehead. Then his hands were on Aurin's shoulders and his face was so close, a face he had known for years, a face he had woken up next to and gazed at tenderly when nobody was watching. He just smiled as Arry used him as leverage to vault himself to his feet and for the life of him couldn't have felt more complete as a physical support for the boy who had become a man somewhere en route from Antiris.

He felt pride at Arry's accomplishments that almost blocked out the yawning sense of loss opening up in his chest, dropping to the pit of his stomach. Smiling all through it, he saw Arry lose hope or — lose something. But for all Arry's tricks, he couldn't hear Aurin's thoughts. He couldn't know how much he wanted to catch him by the wrist, kiss him on the mouth, banish all the arguments with fucking as if that would solve anything. Instead, he kept smiling like a fucking idiot, like a fucking clown, as the beautiful golden boy began to walk away. It wasn't goodbye, but it was an ending. The ending was a beginning, and it might even be better, but something was dying and he had to mourn it.

The lanky fixer rose to his feet and sauntered along behind Arry, his eyes too sharp and knowing, the better to shutter the windows to his soul.

"Have fun at the market, kid," he said jauntily. "Don't spend too much. You aren't on the theater's payroll yet." He was so full of shit, but then, finally, Arry was gone. He closed the door behind him. He locked it thrice. His collapse against the door was in slow motion so as not to alarm the elf. His body wrenched with something awful. He slid down the door, his ass landing on the floor and his face falling into his hands. He was too fucked up to cry.

He was too fucked up to cry.

He was too fucked up to cry.

.